Communication
Communication is challenging even when there isn’t a conflict. As diverse human beings we don’t always attribute the same meaning to the same words. How we interpret what is said to us is filtered through our own personal lens that is constructed from many things such as our background, education, values and beliefs, experiences, gender, race, needs, positions, employment, etc.
When we add the dimension of conflict, which often involves feelings of anger, frustration, or worry, clear and effective communication becomes even more challenging.
Two essential components of effective communication in conflict include active listening, to understand your co-worker’s perspective, and non-blaming assertiveness, to help them understand yours. Until you understand the other person’s perspective, and they understand yours, a resolution that meets both of your needs cannot be found.
Active listening
Active listening involves a set of interrelated skills: open-ended questioning, paraphrasing, acknowledging feelings, non-verbal encouragers, and summarizing. When used together they effectively communicate to the other person that you want to listen to them and to understand how they see the issue.
Using open-ended questions
Open-ended questions invite people into the discussion and require an individual response. Open-ended questions often begin with “What” or “How” and they cannot be answered with merely a yes or no response.
Examples of open-ended question include: “What did you think about that?” and “How was what I did a problem for you?” Open-ended questions also help the other person consider what is important to them about the issue.
Paraphrasing
Miscommunication happens when we assume we understand but haven’t checked out that assumption. When we do, we may find that we are misinterpreting some of what was said, or missing some key element that is important to the other person.
Paraphrasing not only checks for clarity and accuracy of understanding, but also lets the other person know they have been heard and understood.
Acknowledging feelings
Active listening requires the acknowledgement of not only the meaning of what people say but also the other person’s emotional response.
Examples include: “I can see you are still feeling a bit angry about what happened the other day.” “You are proud of the improvements you made and feel that they haven’t been acknowledged.” “You are worried about what new demands may be made on you.”
Acknowledging emotion deepens our understanding of the issue and the meaning it has for the other person. It also communicates to the other person that you not only understand their words but also their feelings.
Non-verbal encouragers
Saying the right words means very little if our body is sending out a different message. If we really want to listen to the other person and understand things from her/his point of view we naturally face the person, make culturally appropriate eye contact, nod our head, and lean toward the person slightly.
These non-verbal encouragers help us demonstrate to the other person that we are listening and care about what is being said.
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Summarizing is about pulling together what has been said over a period in a concise manner. It provides an opportunity, like with paraphrasing, for your understanding to be corrected or fine-tuned by the other person. It is also useful to demonstrate the progressthat has been made and where you are in your discussion.
Being assertive and non-blaming
When it’s your turn to explain your point of view it’s important to communicate in ways that are non-blaming and appropriately assertive. Acting assertively implies an ability to speak up for yourself — your wants and needs — without putting down the other person or ignoring their legitimate wants or needs.
The following skills will assist you to discuss issues without blame or aggression.
Use “I” statements
Statements that begin with “I”, “From my perspective”, or “The way I see it…” make it clear that you are speaking for yourself. “I” statements focus on your experience, thoughts, feelings, reactions, and decisions and not on any beliefs or judgments you may have made about the other person. Sentences that begin with “You”, such as “you always” or “you are” make broad, inaccurate generalizations about the other person and often lead to the other person feeling blamed and judged, triggering a defensive reaction.
If you are using “I” statements, it becomes difficult to make accusatory assumptions about the other person’s intentions or behaviour. “I felt intimidated by your response” has quite a different impact than “You are aggressive with me.”
Beware of “You” statements masquerading as “I” statements. For example, “I feel that you are always late for our meetings” begins with an “I” but is really a “you” statement that over-generalizes the other person’s behaviour.
Describe specifically what your concerns are
Being assertive involves describing to the other person, as specifically as you can what your concern is. Being specific is very important as it gives the other person direct information regarding what it is about their views or behaviour that concerns you.
Express clearly the impact of the problem
Being assertive also involves being willing to tell the other person about your emotional response and the impact for you. Example: “I feel frustrated and angry when the list is not ready. I depend on it to get my work done.” This provides the person with clear information about the impact of the behaviour on you, without blame or judgement.
Specify your needs and wants
A final component of being assertive is exploring and sharing with the other person what it is you need and want in the working relationship. Being specific regarding your own needs and wants is essential information to have on the table when you begin looking at the future and at what options might work to resolve the conflict.
Rational thinking exercise
- Why is this situation important to me?
- What stories (assumptions and beliefs) am I telling myself about this person(s) or situation?
- What actual data do I have to support that story?
- What other explanations might there be? (try to come up with at least 3)
- What part have I played in this situation?
- What is the result I want?
- What are my options, and the pros and cons of each?
Videos: difficult conversations
These clips show a variety of scenarios that are meant to support you in having conversations to resolve problematic situations that can arise in the workplace. Throughout the videos, tips are provided along the way to highlight strategies that may be useful.
The individuals you will see are tv employees who have volunteered their time to this project, and for this we are very grateful. The scenarios are meant to add realism but are not intended to identify specific individuals or situations.
(7 mins. 44 sec.) supervisor/employee
Each time there is a new idea, or a message delivered from “management” there is a critical, cynical, or sarcastic comment made by an employee during regular staff meetings. The supervisor is aware that these comments are affecting the mood of the group.
(9 mins 24 sec.) supervisor/employee
There has been a change in an employee’s performance and behaviour over the past few months. The supervisor has concerns about her mental health.
(2 mins. 27 sec.) co-workers
An employee has noticed a change in the interactions with her colleague. She wants to discuss her concerns to improve their relationship.
(5 mins 28 sec.) supervisor/employee
An employee’s tone of voice can be dismissive of others in the team and her body language sends the message that she thinks she is better than her teammates. While the behaviour is subtle, the supervisor has witnessed is consistently and feels it is affecting, or will affect, the morale of the group.
(6 mins. 37 sec.) supervisor/employee
Several students living in residence have complained that an employee regularly complains about the employee’s supervisor. The students are uncomfortable with these conversations but are more uncomfortable speaking directly to the employee to address their concerns.
(5 mins. 24 sec.) director/employees
An employee has noticed a change in the interactions with her colleague. She wants to discuss her concerns to improve their relationship, but their conversation gets heated to the point that their director intervenes.
(16 mins) manager/supervisor/employee
An employee is having trouble with her supervisor. She finds him overly critical of her work and yet doesn’t set clear expectations. The supervisor is frustrated and questions her commitment to the job. Watch as their conversation goes badly, prompting the supervisor to seek advice, which leads to a more collaborative discussion.
(12 mins. 50 sec.) chairperson/faculty members
While their Chair was away last week, two academic colleagues had an argument in an Admissions Committee meeting. The Chair has met separately with each of them and now brings them together to work out a way forward.
(8 mins. 44 sec.) chairperson/faculty member
A department chair has been approached separately by two junior faculty members who are complaining about the aggressive approach of a senior faculty member when critiquing their work.